Lorri Dudley

Be moved. Be changed. Love because you are loved.

Tag: compliments

Samurai welding sword

How Do You Weld Your Words?

Samurai welding sword

Writers understand the power of words. Our goal is to carefully craft sentences to stir up emotion within our readers, so hearts synchronize in tempo with that of the heroine and lungs breathe the same air as the hero. The thesaurus is our right hand as we pursue the perfect phrasing to construct an image or engrave an impression.

Often, the power of words is underestimated. We forget how, in Genesis 1, God spoke the world into being. Nine paragraphs begin with “God said,” and then something was created, for instance, “Let there be light (Gen 1:3)” and “Let us make mankind in our image (Gen 1:26).” Jacob, in the Bible, understood the power of a blessing. He pretended to be his brother Esau by tying goat skins to his arms so that his almost blind father Isaac would bless him instead. A father’s blessing was so powerful that when Esau found out what had happened, he begged his father to bless him too, but Isaac could only tell Esau he would live by the sword and serve his brother (Genesis 27).

Words can be life-giving, or words can be a loaded weapon.

Our careers, passions, and lifepaths are frequently formed by words of encouragement that speak life to our dreams, but a negative comment can be a dream crusher. My fifth-grade teacher saw my creative writing potential and instilled the seed of becoming a writer within my heart, but my seventh-grade teacher criticized my grammar and set my dream back twenty years. Now, I kick myself for listening to that seventh-grade teacher (and praise God for grammar correcting software).

Man and woman arguing

Recently, my husband and I have been working with married couples of all ages and hear a lot of “If only he would…” and “She needs to…” We hear a lot of I and me and very few us and we. They don’t recognize the criticism and judgment in their words. Dr. Gottman and Robert Levenson performed a longitudinal study to identify happy and unhappy couples. They discovered a ratio that could depict whether a married couple would stay together versus become divorced with 90% accuracy. That ratio was five positive interactions to every negative one (Benson, The Magic Relationship Ratio, The Gottman Institute, Oct 2017). It takes five compliments to overshadow one criticism.

James 3:10 says, “Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.” But, how do we change the pattern of spewing criticism? I’ve taken to praying as David did in Psalm 141:3, “Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.” It’s a daily struggle to die to the greedy pride of self and bite our tongue before it starts a fire that burns out of control.

What of those hurtful comments that still echo in our ears? Deuteronomy 30:19 God says, “I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.” We can choose blessing and shake off the hurtful words that have hung over us like a dark cloud. We can choose life and life-giving words to live by.

We can weld the weapon of words for good.

Sword

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Teddy Roosevelt giving a speech

The Key to Commanding a Room

Are you the brightest person in the room? By brightest, I’m not talking about smarts. I mean magnetism, what draws people.

Smiley face emoji among a crowd of frowny face emojis

 Some people desire to be the center of attention others want to be treated like they’re the only person in the room. Think James Bond or Clark Gable. It wasn’t their flashy suits or dapper smiles that made them dreamy (even though it did add to it). It was their confidence, their attitude, and most of all the way they tuned out the rest of the room once the leading lady entered.

My favorite part of a novel is what’s called the cute meet. I’ve written about heroines and heroes meeting on dance floors, elevators, and climbing in windows. In my new release, The Duke’s Refuge, coming out in Jan 2020, the hero thinks the heroine has lost her mind because she wades out into the breakers in a full gown to save her trunks from sinking to the bottom of the ocean. No matter whether it’s a comical first impression, like yanking a hero onto a ballroom dancefloor to avoid someone, or dangerous, like believing the hero is an intruder and whacking him over the head with a candlestick, the heroine grabs the hero’s attention.

The Art of Manliness blog writer Brett McKay wrote an article entitledCommand a Room Like a Man. In the article, he suggests the following:

Theodore Roosevelt making a speech
  • Enter a room boldly,
  • Stand tall,
  • Straighten the silverware at the dinner table or move the salt shaker (this mentally makes you feel more in control).
  • Make eye contact.

My parents offered similar advice (minus the salt shaker thing but add a firm handshake). However, at the end of the article, McKay says the key to owning a room is to be other’s focused. People are drawn to people who take an interest in them.

When we’re paid a genuine compliment, we’re likely to get a warm fuzzy feeling inside. Moreover, think about how you felt toward the person who paid you the compliment. Typically, our guard will drop, and we’ll feel happy to be around that person. Same goes for those who inquire about your interests. I’m thrilled when people ask me how my writing is going or about my books. I’m often more pleased that they took the time to ask about something that brings me joy, sometimes even more so then the opportunity to talk about it. McKay states, “When we shine a light on a person, they reflect that light back on us. If we shine a light on every person in the room, we end up being the brightest man there (Command a Room Like a Man, McKay 7/2009).”

His comment reminded me of 2 Corinthians 3:18So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image.” Jesus was others focused, and when we put others before ourselves, we are reflecting his glory. When we seek God, we become changed inside and out, and we reflect his light. When we reflect his love and his light, then Jesus becomes the brightest person in the room.

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